Some days when I'm cleaning up the food that Ezra threw on the floor (and trying to avoid the sticky hands that are trying to grab my hair) I wonder how I got to this place in my life. This place where I stay at home all day to play with, teach, care for, feed, (attempt to) snuggle, and love this perfect little spirit all while trying to balance making sure that my house isn't a complete wreck,that I have clean garments, time to get in the shower and don't eat every cookie that I see. Maybe now is the time to mention that today was the day (...12 months into parenthood) that I realized that the secret to getting in the shower and getting ready before 11 am was my pack 'n play.
But this place is the best, most wonderful thing.
As I have thought many times about what I would want to write about if I ever had the time (and the energy) to blog about a thousand things have come to my mind. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I felt like I had something that I wanted to say.
A friend mentioned to me that we needed to get together so that she could "save me from motherhood."
I know that there was nothing meant by it, but it really got me thinking about why I would never want to be saved from motherhood. Maybe I need a couple of hours here and there to regain my sanity and talk to someone other than my 1 year old who has limited speaking capabilities or maybe I want to binge watch a series on Amazon and not share my ice cream so Ezra gets an early nap, but there is nothing about motherhood that needs saving.
Except a few things. There are always things worth saving. Like the moments when I'm extremely tired, but then Ezra gives me a kiss or tries to share his animal crackers with me. When he seems so excited to see me when I get him out of bed in the morning or let him get a drink from my special cup (even though I know there is going to be an extremely large amount of back wash in it). When Ezra stands himself up at the wall and hits his hand on his chest as he walks over to me and we're both so excited that we clap and laugh together. When he decides that he can walk on his own and lets go of my hand, or today, when somehow he managed to get a cookie off of the cooling rack on the kitchen counter, why would I not want to save that? Those are the moments that keep me from every needing to be saved.
Motherhood has opened my heart in a way that cannot be described. There is seriously this little, tiny chamber in your heart that is unlocked when your little one is placed on your chest for the very first time. It's the place in my heart that made Sam and I cry when Ezra lifted his head off my chest to check us out. It's a tiny place, but it's a powerful place. The joy, pride, and elation that is felt can't be compared or explained. The heartache, the worry, and the fear is something that can't be consoled.
Although he is only one, the sadness that I feel when I see him wanting a turn when the kids are kicking the ball or he waves and someone doesn't wave back, it's nothing that you can be prepared for.
I think that Satan uses that as his great lie to distract us as mothers. He tells us that we need saving, that we need a break and that we are done for the day because we've done our part but as Ezra and I listen to 'I am a Child of God' before he goes to bed, I remember why I don't need a break. (Granted, there are times when I have to tell Ezra that we are no long best friends after 9:00, it's strictly a friend relationship at that point).But really, I don't need a break because Heavenly Father has entrusted me with one of his special spirits and there is never a time that I have to worry about Heavenly Father taking a break and not being there for me. Because of motherhood, I am able to better understand life in a way that I could not have imagined. I better understand the atonement and the love that my Savior has for me. Something as simple as Ezra fighting back while I'm trying to give him his ear infection medicine reminds me that I don't always understand why or how things are going to help me become better, but they will.
There is absolutely nothing that I would rather be doing and I feel extremely blessed to feel completely fulfilled by being a wife and a mother. I credit the example of my mom and dad for this. My dad was always willing to provide for us and I always knew that we were the highest priority of my mom. We never had to compete with my their friends, their jobs, or their hobbies. We always knew where we stood with them. As a teenager, and now as a parent, my heart aches for those children who are not the priority of their parents because at one point or another, they will feel it.
Now that I am done rambling with my motherhood thoughts, I look back at my day and feel less than qualified to be a parent, to teach and love, to nurture and feed, to entertain and to keep some sort of routine. Parenthood is humbling, and each night as Sam and I lay in bed and watch the videos and look at the pictures from the day we remember how lucky we are to have this sweet little guy and how much we can't wait to see him (after a decent nights rest).
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